Not many of my friends know about this but three years ago my cousin, Andy, killed himself from depression. He was 31 years old, had a beautiful wife, and an adorable 4 year old son who was exactly like him. I found out that he was gone just two days before my junior prom. I very much considered skipping prom so that I could attend his funeral even my date said he would understand, but my parents insisted that I go to prom because that was a very important milestone in my life. After fighting with them for about an hour on the subject we decided that me and my dad would attend his visitation and come home so that I could go to prom. After school the next day I rushed home changed into my proper funeral attire and we headed to West Tennessee. The whole way my dad and I listened to the Beatles and discussed the hidden meanings in their songs. It didn't hit me that I was about to see my cousin for the last time until we pulled up to the funeral home and had a heck of a time finding a parking spot. The funeral home was smack in the middle of a small town it was an old, gorgeous house. Probably about 100 years old. The front door had a line of people snaking out onto the sidewalk, since we were family we took a seperate door on the front porch. My aunt before I could hardly get into the door said, "It's an open casket you don't have to go see him if you don't want to." My heart jumped, (I hadn't been told how he died) I told her I would be fine and my dad grabbed my shoulder and led me into the packed room. I saw my uncle standing by the casket and my family members sitting on a two pews stuck in the corner. I slowly walked up to the casket took one look inside and couldn't control myself. I burst into tears my dad twirled me around away from it and took me over to the pew with my family one of my cousins immediately grabbed me and held me as we both sobbed. My sister came and squeezed in beside me she grabbed my hand as I started to calm down from where we were sitting we could see everyone piling into the small room and paying their respects. I started looking for Andy's wife I saw her sitting in the second row face red surrounded by her mom, dad, and sister. My cousin Jenny saw me looking in her direction and told me she hadn't spoken to anyone in our family since she had arrived. She hugged Andy's dad but that was it. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't talk to us. He was our cousin her husband we were related the least she could was come say something to us. One of my other aunts came out to us and asked if any of us were hungry the funeral home had provided sandwich making stuff for the family. So all of us cousins that were there piled into a small break room and quietly ate our sandwiches. After "dinner" me and my sister headed out to the front porch to get some fresh air, I had remembered seeing two white rocking chairs which would give us somewhere to sit. By now the sun was starting to set and the line had grown a considerable amount, I couldn't see the end of it because it wrapped around the corner of the street. It made me realize how much Andy was loved and how many people he impacted. My sister all of a sudden started laughing snapping me out of my daze. There on the street was a race going on, it was a local 5K and we saw the people at the front coming down the road. We sat there for 2 hours watching the people in the race come through. There was even a young man in a wheel chair being pushed by what looked like his wife. That made me smile. By time the last few people came through from the race, the line going into the funeral home had died down a considerable amount. My dad came out and told me I needed to come in and say goodbye to everyone and tell my uncle that I wouldn't be able to make it to the funeral. I walked in and my uncle my was still standing in the same spot next to the casket. I walked up to him and he just grabbed me in a hug. Unfortunately now I was stuck in my uncles grip staring straight at my cousin. So I closed my eyes as he held me. My dad soon realized why I looked so uncomfortable and told me that we needed to go. My uncle let me go said, "Love you Kelsey." I smiled and said back, "I love you too Uncle Bobby", forcing back tears. I made my round of telling my cousins, aunts and uncles goodbye and left with my dad. As we were walking out to the car I saw Andy's wife sitting on the sidewalk by herself. I walked up to her, sat down next, and said "Everything is going to be okay Ashley, he isn't hurting anymore." She looked up at me and hugged me. I got up and walked to my dad's car. Immediately getting into the car a wave of exhaustion passed over me and before we could get out of the tiny little town, I was fast asleep.
To end this blog I want to say this. Andy was an amazing man. He was a loving husband and father, and an incredible cousin and son. If you ever know of someone who is depressed and might even for a second consider suicide HELP THEM. They aren't usually thinking rationally and just a little bit of help and effort could in the end save their life. Andy didn't tell anyone he was hurting maybe if he had he would still be with us. Usually people who are that desperate to do something like that are feeling very alone and unwanted and the smallest "hey are you okay?" "do you want to talk about it?" could help a considerable amount. Suicide is a very selfish act, the person is only doing it for their benefit they may think they are helping out everyone in their life but really they are just setting them up for heartache. So please if you or someone you know is feeling depressed get help don't put your loved ones in that position.
Thanks for reading.
Peace, Love, & Rubies
Kelsey
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